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Moving Intimacy: what dance teaches us about connection

Last weekend I went to a dance performance by a group of amazing dancers. Their strength and skill were mesmerizing to watch. At some point they danced in a synchronous way that could be felt in the entire theater. It reminded me of that feeling when you are having sex and your bodies fuse into one. When there is a level of trust and connection that makes it truly special. It is widely known that trust is a good foundation for a (physical) relationship, but seeing this in the setting of a dance performance offered me a more concrete idea of what that trust can look like. I will try to dissect different components of this intricate choreography of bodies.


The dancers started the choreography in a more individual way, they expressed themselves in their own body language. The easiest way to connect to your own body is to be conscious of your breath. Breathe deeply, feeling your body expand and contract. Let that eb and flow guide your body without the judgement of your brain, it knows very well where it wants to go. The movement doesn’t even have to be complex in order for you to ground. However, before you can interact with others, it is good to have a sense of your own body, to truly feel every inch of it. Then, when you are rooted, you can open up your vision.

Seeing the other

Watching dancers is always a pleasure to me, the way their bodies move, their muscles tighten and swing around the room. When two or more people dance together, something special happens, they see each other. What was so profound in this piece, is that they didn’t just look at their dance partner, you could see them synchronize, you could see that they were communicating. Dancing can be risky, if you have to do tricks, jump, throw your partner around, there needs to an understanding. You need to know that you can truly give up control and lean into the other people. Again, much like when you are having sex. Verbal consent is great, and can be very sexy, but sometimes you don’t need it. When you really see your partner(s), the mere rhythm of their breath can be an indicator of their feelings. It is a sensation that is difficult to put into words, but it is beautiful to feel during sex and to see on the dancefloor. To me, it is most simply put as unconditional trust.


Like I stated before, in order to do a challenging choreography, you need to be able to rely on yourself and your partner. If you are not trusting your own presence, then it is even more difficult for a partner to trust you. So, when you are rooted into your own body, and you acknowledge the body of the other(s), it is time for trust to be established. Sometimes, you might just feel it, your bodies synchronize and there is a connection. Relationships and sex can be a real exercise in trust. You can’t always know what the other person is thinking and that might result in misunderstandings or even trust being broken. However, to some extent, that is what keeps the evolution going. It can result in a renegotiation of said trust, building towards a deeper understanding of what trust means in that specific relationship. Without trust, there might be hesitation. Something you could see with dancers if they would do, the dirty dancing lift, for example.

When running towards your dance partner, you would slow down just a bit, jump with anxiety and smash into your partner because they can’t grip you the right way. Both of you drop to the ground and the hesitation grows as the trust crumbles. On the other hand, you would look into the eyes of your partner, run at full speed and propel your body whilst keeping it controlled. Your partner would grab you with conviction and lift you up in the air. A masterpiece.

For me, it is the same with sex. It is easier to give in to the moment when you know you are safe with your partner, and they are safe with you. I think trust has to do with knowing your boundaries and those of your partner so you can play within that framework.


Once the connection between dancers is established, and they know their strengths, it is possible to improvise. This can lead to amazing scenes, tricks and choreographies. Because everybody is present, you will have a sense of anticipation and be able to respond adequately to the movements of others. That, to me, is such a profound intimate thing. When you are so in tune with one another that your bodies start to flow.

As I was watching the dancers, I realized that their play was exciting because you don’t know where it ends. Often with sex, there is this expectation of the orgasm. However, when you simply fool around and follow pleasure, the “outcome” is not important. That is to say, there is no concrete finish line to reach, satisfaction is the outcome, regardless of a what that may look like for each unique person.

To conclude, I encourage you to be inspired by dancers when it comes to your intimate life. Try to approach your sexy time as if it is a dance.

Sink into your body

See your partner(s)

Establish trust

Play without expectations

For the people living in the Netherlands, I highly recommend paying a visit to this performance.

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Laatst vroeg iemand mij “is dit oké?” toen die mij wilde gaan beffen. Hoewel ik doorgaans erg open ben over seksualiteit en het fijn vind om over intimiteit te praten, is het tijdens de seks soms nog



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